Grief

In reality, I have been grieving for the loss of our life, for over two years. Jeff and I were VERY happy when he was first diagnosed. We were in love with each other, had jobs we liked, a baby on the way, a house we were busy remodeling, and the list goes on....we were happy and WE KNEW we were happy. We were not two people who were too busy with life to recognize that we had it good.

So, when we found out that Jeff had AML, devastation settled itself upon our (apparently) too nice life. As we navigated through surgeries, chemotherapy and transplant number one, we succumbed to the fact that our life had definitely changed, but held out hope for a better future. For me, most of that hope died out in February after Jeff's first relapse. I am well-versed on AML, its treatments, its causes (or lack thereof), and of course, its sobering statistics. A relapse after a transplant is BAD. There is no other word for it. Very, very few people survive for very long after the relapse. A second relapse, of course, portends an even more bleak future for its victims.

If I look back on things now, I grieved for the loss of our life, as we knew it, after the first transplant, and I began grieving for Jeff back in February after the first relapse. Any hope that I did have was transferred to Jeff in any way I could manage. I didn't outwardly grieve him while he was here, but on the inside, I was preparing myself. I needed to do that so that I could manage the months of treatments and be able to take care of JD. Maybe that sounds confusing, but I'm not somebody who lives with my head buried in the sand - I needed to face what was probably coming.

I've now lost two people who were absolutely shining lights in my life. One of them left me suddenly, and the other over the course of two years. I can't say that one way is better than the other, but I can say that in a lot of ways, a sudden loss is easier. The grief is more intense, but the anxiety leading up to a sudden death is non-existent, and anxiety about death is a cruel, cruel punishment, especially for a 30-year old.

Where am I now? Good question. We're only two weeks out, and I'm okay. Not good yet, and maybe I'm still in a little bit of shock - shock that I'll never hear Jeff's voice again, never hear him strum his guitar, or never see him kiss JD again. BUT, I'm also relieved that leukemia doesn't have to be a regular part of my day, that JD doesn't have to live in Hershey and at home, that Jeff is no longer struggling with his own mortality, and that he is no longer in pain. I've loved Jeff since I was 16 years old, and I AM relieved that I don't have to watch him suffer anymore. Really relieved.

Rest in peace, my beautiful, beautiful man.

Jump!

Merry Christmas

JD and I are doing well....as well as we can.  Actually, JD is doing beautifully, as he is too young to realize the magnitude of what has happened.  He'll continue to be my shining light, and I'll be okay, because he is way better than okay.  I suppose eventually I'll want to write about grief, but right now, I'm going to concentrate on enjoying my little man's second Christmas. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you a hundred times for the continued support.  I will eventually get to the two year's worth of Thank You notes, but it's going to take me a while - I hope nobody takes offense to that.  Please just know that I am very appreciative of everything (little or big) that was done to help my family over the course of Jeff's illness.

Please - enjoy the holidays with your family.  I know I will.

Jeff

Jeff Eckert made me a better person.  He was kind, funny, and knew how to do all of things that I didn't.  He loved to laugh, and when he did, so did everybody else.  Jeff wanted to get the most out of his life, and for him, that meant having as much fun as he could.  He made beautiful music, and entertained in a naturally modest way that stole my heart from the very beginning. 

The joy that the both of us felt when JD was born was powerful, and I think, quite unexpected for Jeff.  He had no idea what becoming a Dad would do to him.  While the past two years were incredibly difficult, I can not describe them any way, but as the best two years of Jeff's and my life together.  After many years of loving just each other, we were able to channel our love together into our little boy, who amazingly, seems to have inherited the best of both of us.  While it is a rotten, rotten shame that JD will not get to grow up knowing his father personally, I am sure that I, and others who were close to Jeff, carry his energy with us.  And, I've no doubt that JD will feel that energy not only from within himself, but from the people who surround and love him.

I'd forgotten what it feels like to grieve for someone that you love so much.  We lost Mom very suddenly, and I'm now remembering how intense the feelings are, how your body aches all over, and how your heart feels like it might explode from your chest.  It's paralyzing, and the truth and finality of it all has you staring at your remaining family in disbelief.  Can this really have happened?  Leukemia? Relapses? Stem cell transplants (plural)??  WTF???  Over and over again in my mind.

The healing road is a long one, with many hills to climb.  I know that we'll all have bad days, but somewhere along the way, we'll start to have good times again, and eventually, the good days will outweigh the bad.  Laughter will come, love will come even more easily than before, and we'll all hold on to each other a little tighter as we remember the real lesson -- life is about the moments we share with each other, and those moments can only happen right now.

Obituary from St. Marys Daily Press

Jeff D. Eckert, 30, of 1849 Bendigo Road, Johnsonburg, and formerly of St. Marys, died Sunday afternoon, Dec. 13, 2009 at Hershey Medical Center following lengthy illness.

He was born June 20, 1979 in St. Marys, a son of Kenneth and Marilyn Wehler Eckert of St. Marys.

On January 3, 2004 in St. Boniface Church in Kersey, he married Jamie Wilson Eckert, who survives.

He graduated from SMAHS, class of 1997. He received an Associate's Degree in automated manufacturing and tool making from PA College of Technology and had been employed by GE Sensing for the past 9 years. He loved to play his guitar and was the lead guitarist for the local band "6 Pak". He enjoyed hunting, fishing and bow fishing, but most of all, he enjoyed being a father.  He loved spending time with his family and loved to be around people.

Besides his parents and wife, he is survived by his beloved son, Jeff David "JD" Eckert, Jr., at home; by two brothers, Mark Eckert and his wife, Nicky of St. Marys, and Chad Eckert and his wife, Kim of St. Marys; a sister Jill, Mrs. Thaddeus Stager of Hershey; his paternal grandmother, Margaret Eckert of St. Marys, his maternal grandmother, Miriam Wehler of St. Marys, and by numerous aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews.

He was preceded in death by his paternal grandfather, James Eckert who preceded him in death March 16, 1993 and his maternal grandfather, William "Willie" Wehler, who preceded him in death January 7, 2009.

A Mass of Christian Burial for Jeff Eckert will be celebrated at the Queen of the World Church, 134 Queens Road, St. Marys, on Thursday, at 12 noon with Rev. Michael Ferrick, Pastor and Rev. Eric Vogt, O.S.B., concelebrants. 

Burial will follow in the St. Mary’s Catholic Cemetery.

Visitation will be at the Lynch-Green Funeral Home, N. Michael Street, St. Marys, on Wednesday from 2 to 4 and 7 to 9 p.m.

Memorial Contributions may be made to Be The Match Foundation, 3001 Broadway Street N.E., Suite 100, Minneapolis, MN 55413.

Arrangements

Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Lynch-Green Funeral Home
Saint Marys, PA
2 - 4, 7 - 9

Thursday, December 17, 2009
Queen of the World Church
St. Marys, PA
12 Noon

Jeff Eckert 6/20/1979 - 12/13/2009

This afternoon, Jeff made the transition to wherever it is beautiful people go when they die.

Arrangements forthcoming.

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Day +21

Jeff will be getting a dialysis treatment today because his kidneys are not clearing the toxins from his body, even though he is still peeing. His lungs are still about the same, as is his oxygen level on the vent. He is, however, requiring more medicine to maintain his blood pressure. We continue to wait for the anti-fungals to do their jobs, and should know one way or the other within a few days.
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Day +20

At this point, I'm not sure that days post transplant is an appropriate title to my post, but it keeps me from having to think too much. Jeff's status today is a little worse than yesterday. His kidneys are failing, and it's likely that dialysis will be started sometime soon. The settings on the vent needed to be bumped up again today to ensure that his blood is getting enough oxygen, and he is still relying on meds to keep his pressure up.


For the most part, Jeff seems to be relatively comfortable. He shows an occasional sign of irritation, but that usually only happens when someone is fiddling with him. I am also sure that on some level of consciousness he knows that we are here and is listening to what we are saying.


In case you haven't guessed, the situation here is pretty dire, but there is still some hope that the meds and Jeff's new immune system will be able to fight off the infection. In the mean time, we are taking things minute by minute.
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Day +19

Not too much new to report today. Jeff's kidneys are a little worse for the wear, but he is holding steady with his settings on the vent. There is no improvement in his lungs, but they aren't really any worse.

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Day +18 continued

Jeff is relying more heavily on the ventilator today. His kidneys are a little worse, but he is still producing some urine. He is still getting medicine to help elevate his blood pressure. The infectious disease docs are evaluating him to make sure that he shouldn't be getting any additional antibiotics, and the surgeons have determined that it is not feasible at this time to remove all or a portion of the most infected lung.

His nurse has told us that his condition is considered critical, but that at this point it's a stable-critical.
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Day + 18

Jeff is no better or worse than he was yesterday. The bronchoscopy that was performed yesterday (to clean out his airways and get biopsies) caused some of the infection in his lungs to spread to his bloodstream, making him more septic. This caused his blood pressure to drop a bit, so they started some new medicines and increased the oxygen on the vent.

The nurses caring for Jeff tell me that he is still strong, and is quite feisty when they are moving him around. I'm taking this as a very good sign that he still wants to fight through the hell.

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Day + 18

Jeff is no better or worse than he was yesterday. The bronchoscopy that was performed yesterday (to clean out his airways and get biopsies) caused some of the infection in his lungs to spread to his bloodstream, making him more septic. This caused his blood pressure to drop a bit, so they started some new medicines and increased the oxygen on the vent.

The nurses caring for Jeff tell me that he is still strong, and is quite feisty when they are moving him around. I'm taking this as a very good sign that he still wants to fight through the hell.

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Day +17 Continued

I just spoke with ICU attending physician. Jeff's liver enzymes are trending downward (that's good), and his kidneys are still producing urine. The pneumonia is concentrated in a portion of one lung. All of this means that as long nothing else comes up, the doctor is hopeful that in 2 or 3 days they will be able to start weaning him from the ventilator.

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Day +17

Jeff is stable, and his body is getting the break it needed.  Now, I guess we wait for him to improve.  I'll try to post regularly, or at least whenever there's something to write about.

Day +16 (I think, but I've been up all night)

Jeff was intubated this morning and is now on a breathing machine in the ICU. His pneumonia is a bit worse, and his kidneys and liver are contributing to some toxicity in his blood, which all combined to make breathing very difficult for him this morning, despite the oxygen mask. In addition, he has fluid buildup around his lungs (pulmonary edema). He is fully sedated, and finally getting some rest from the hallucinations, tremors and rigors.

The ICU team will be doing a full work-up to determine the best plan of action. Please keep Jeff in your thoughts and stop to enjoy the good moments in your day.
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GIVE BLOOD, Play In The Mud!

No no this is not Dr. Suess, I am Danielle (not Sam), guest author. For those of you who aren't familiar, I am Jamie's cousin or, as she referred to me in an earlier post, "thorn in her side."

The purpose of my post is to inform everyone about local blood drives. Giving blood is a great way to help Jeff, and many others. Jeff once said that he likes getting blood as much as he likes drinking beer. Give Jeff a beer...

- Dec. 9th, 2009
Moose Club, St. Marys
10 am - 4 pm

-Jan. 12, 2010
Kersey Senior Center
1:30 - 6:30 pm

-Jan. 13, 2010
Moose Club, St. Marys
10 am - 4 pm

If your not from our area, www.givelife.org is an excellent website to find blood drives in any location.

As for playing in the mud...Carpe diem!

Day +15

Fungal pneumonia is a nasty beast.  Jeff is still hallucinating, and pretty confused.  His body is shaking, and because of the hallucinations, he hasn't really slept in days.  After I put JD to bed last night, I gave Marilyn a break from sleeping at the hospital and stayed in Jeff's room with him.  The night was pretty hectic, with nurses in and out several times an hour.  The alarm was set on Jeff's bed so that every time he got up, someone came in to see what he was doing.  Early this morning, he was having trouble getting enough oxygen, so the nurses called the "Quick Response" team, and within a few minutes, there was a room full of doctors and  nurses from the ICU.  Although they parked the crash cart in front of his door, he was NOT close to needing it.  Still, I'm not too keen on seeing those paddles so close his room. 

The nurses caring through Jeff through this ordeal have been fantastic.  I'm so thankful for the sweet way they treat him.  It's very obvious that they care what happens to their patients.  Although, I'm fairly sure that Jeff won't remember much of this hospital stay, I won't be forgetting it anytime soon.

Day +14

I'd like to be able to paint a pretty picture of what's going on right now, but it ain't pretty.  Jeff has a fungal pneumonia, is on oxygen, and is receiving breathing treatments regularly.  He is not running a temperature, but his blood pressure is on the low side, and he is retaining fluids.  Although his PCA (the morphine) was stopped, he is still very confused and is hallucinating, which is probably a result of the anti-fungal medication he is receiving for the pneumonia.  The worst of the mucositis is over and he was able to eat a bit this morning, but he is still receiving nutrition through his central line. 

Despite the fact that the he received a much lower-dose chemo this round, the cumulative effect of the prior treatments and this one, is taking its toll on Jeff's body.  His movements are jerky and his hands and feet are constantly shaking.  He has more tubes and wires attached to his body than I care to count, he can't get out of bed without help, and right now he is giggling about something he thinks he is seeing.  My beautiful husband is in a sorry state right now, and all I can do is sit here and watch.  (Insert really bad word here.)

I'll try to update regularly over the next few days.

Day +12

I'm not in Hershey today, so I don't know if I have the complete story, but Jeff is running a temp and has pneumonia.  He is still stable, still on the morphine drip, and still receiving bagged nutrition.  I'll post more when I have a clearer picture of the situation.