I know I've been neglecting the blog, but things have been pretty crazy. My house has been sold, and we've moved in next to my Dad. The whole sale, and subsequent move went fast. Really fast. I had a ton of help from my amazing group of family and friends, but moving is still a pain in the rear. I'm pretty much unpacked now, and JD loves having immediate access to Papa, Polly, Danielle, the pond, numerous dogs and several horses, including new a foal, born yesterday morning who has been named Steemer.
I feel like I'm finally home again, and I know that the decision to sell my house was a good one. For the most part, I am happy and content, but I'm sure that you can guess that happiness doesn't mean that the grief is gone. It shows up in predictable moments, but it also hits me completely unexpectedly. My body aches when I think that JD will not know his Daddy personally, and it aches even more when I think about what Jeff is missing. Thirty is just too young to die, but all the wishing, hoping and praying in the world is not going to bring him back.
As I write this, I am really at a loss for words. How can someone be here and well one day, and then sick, very sick for a long time, and then gone? And why can't my subconscious let me dream about him? I've seen glimpses of my mom in dreams over the years, but those dreams are few and far between. I haven't had one about Jeff yet, and I wonder when he'll turn up. Do I need to grieve more or grieve less to see him in a dream? And when I do, will I see healthy Jeff...the Jeff that I miss, or will it be sick Jeff....a Jeff that I loved, but don't miss?
I have a picture on my phone of Jeff's IV pole in the hospital. It's just a pole with a bunch of bags hanging from it, and I took the picture because I couldn't believe how much stuff was being pumped into Jeff's body. I don't know why I don't delete the picture, but when JD and I are looking at the pictures, so he can "see JD," he always points to that picture and says, "Daddy!" It's just a picture of his pole, there is nothing else in the picture. Ugh! How sad is that?
Really, I just needed to get some things out today. I'm okay.
8 comments:
You sound like you are doing all the right things. And I again I would like to thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. Your attitude and writing will help many people deal with their own personal illnesses and losses.
I'm still here too! You sound like you are doing great, and I give you a lot of credit for all of the things that you have been able to accomplish in the past few months. I am sure some of those things have not been the easiest for you, but in the long run it is the best thing for you and JD. We have missed you on the blog, facebook just isn't the same! Jeff will be in your dreams when you least expect it, and it WILL be the Jeff that you miss. As for JD, just keep on showing him the happy pictures of his daddy. Take care!
Chrissy Keebler
You're doing great. Oh my goodness....a foal!!! My fingers are twitching to photograph such a thing.
Jamie,
Glad to hear that you are doing well. Sometimes we just need to share somethings. Think about you daily. Take care and we'll talk soon.
I still check in, too. I think part of it is habit, but mostly because I want to watch JD grow. I also admired your words and strength. You will find happiness in your new home. Don't try so hard, just let it happen.
still here and checking in...think of you and JD often. So exciting that there is a new foal, how fun for JD to see!
you will see jeff again, and i agree with chrissy...it will be when you least expect it. healing takes time and those moments will keep popping up and it just means that he's still part of your life and that you still care.
That broke my heart Jamie.....sad it is but true.You suffered through this dreaded disease with Jeff...who would want to remember,chronic stress,worry,fear,anxiety,and that horrible knot in the gut that goes hand an hand with leukemia??? Embrace all of your emotions whatever they may be......all feeling's pass with time...
Still here. Love ya.
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