On My Mind

Jeff has been on my mind a lot lately, which has caused an especially intense spell of grief. Negativity has been swarming around me like a pack of fruit flies, and I can’t seem to shake it. I just wanted to point out that I’m not always happy or positive or upbeat, and that there are days when I’m furious at the universe for dealing us such a crappy hand. But, as much as I’m stymied by this whole ordeal, I can’t even begin to describe how badly I feel for Jeff and JD.

After Jeff got sick, and he realized that his time here on earth may be short lived, the only thing he worried about was not having the chance to watch JD grow up. I can’t tell you the how painful it was to listen to him try to talk about it. Jeff never got the chance to be the Dad he wanted to be, and now I only get to imagine the joy that I know would be on his face if he had the chance to hear JD say that his “name is Jeff David Eckert.”

Despite the fact that JD has several father-figures in his life, my poor little boy will never know the love that only a father can give his son. What do I do about that? How long will it be before he figures this out? JD already understands about family, and he knows that there should be a Mommy and a Daddy, but I don’t think his 2 year-old brain comprehends what has happened. I’m trying not to give too much significance to Jeff’s absence because I don’t want him to feel more slighted than necessary. If I can concentrate on teaching him to embrace what he has instead of mourning for what he doesn’t have, then maybe, just maybe, I can protect him from some of the pain that comes with losing a father. Of course, for me to teach him that, I have to stop mourning for all that has been lost, which is easier said than done.

I am whining today. I know this, and I guess I need to say that most of the time I’m still okay. I am loving the closeness that I have with JD, and he has many people in his life that love him with a fierceness that is obvious to me when I watch them with him. I know I am very lucky for my family and friends, including some people I’ve met or reconnected with since Jeff’s death. Hopefully, I can continue moving forward, without too many more days of feeling that I’ve come undone.

I’ll have to go back and read some of my blog. Sometimes I think I’m just repeating myself. Oh well, I guess if I need to write things more than once, then that’s what I need to do.