I have been writing and re-writing this post for days. I'm struggling with some feelings, and I'm not sure what's appropriate to share, and what isn't. Because I've gotten tons of e-mails from leukemia-people who read this blog, and those people seem to have been helped by things I've said, I'm going to lean towards sharing more, instead of less. Thank you, by the way, leukemia-people, for letting me know when something I've said has touched a nerve.
My problem is this; I am feeling really well. I'm sleeping well, getting back into shape, taking vitamins, eating well and generally, just feeling like my old self. My old self was very happy, and I am happy again.
Everyday, I wake up and I'm thankful that I don't have to spend my day worrying about Jeff. I have life to look forward to, and although I am still practicing living in the moment, I'm now also able to look forward to a promising future that's not riddled with leukemia. I've come to the realization that regular life is pretty easy, if you let it be. Stress only takes over if you allow it to, and worrying about something does not change its outcome. Some things are bound to just happen the way that they happen, and there's nothing we can do about it.
Obviously, my happiness and ease-of-living come with a price, and that price is guilt. I am here to see JD grow up, and to be happy about it, and Jeff is not. Why did Jeff get sick? Why not me? Again, these questions don't have answers and it's pointless to ask them. I can wish all I want that Jeff never got sick, but it changes nothing. He did get sick. He did deteriorate right in front of my eyes. And, despite a will to live that amazed me, when his body had nothing left, he died.
So, do I have any right to be happy right now? I'm not sure I do. But what I do know, is that I have a beautiful little boy that looks just like his Daddy, and that little boy is happy. He's full of life and energy and joy. I have to believe that Jeff would want me to be happy for JD's sake, so I will continue to laugh, play, and love like there is no tomorrow.
8 comments:
Jamie, I am not a psych doctor, nor have I ever been through anything like this, but I am going to go out on a limb and say that feelings of guilt are completely normal at points throughout this process...only because it is human nature, not because there is any true reason for you to feel guilty. You mention that feeling well, sleping well, eating well...etc is your "problem"...Jamie, this is not a problem, this is progress, the type of progress that Jeff would want to see. You need to keep progressing, and when you feel as though you are faultering, there are plenty of folks around you that will help you any way necessary.
see you soon,
Bill
Very well said, Jamie. Keep on living.
Much Love,
Jamie (one of your leukemia-people)
Do you have a right to be happy?Of course you do.All feelings will pass Jamie.Live,love,cherish,breathe,smile,chuckle,play,dance in the rain,watch J.D grow,smell the roses,touch the sky,and embrace the future.You have alot of love left to give......(another leukemia person)
Jamie,
I am sure that Jeff would have wanted nothing more for you than for you and JD to be happy!! You should not feel guilty for being happy. You brought Jeff so much happiness in his short life and he loved you and JD so much that I know he is watching over you and wanting nothing more than for you to love and have fun with your beautiful little boy! You have been through so much in your life and experienced more pain than anyone should ever have to!
I think that it is time for you to finally be happy again!
I love ya!
Nicky
Jaime
Be happy enjoy the live you have with JD it has to go on guilt free. You have nothing to feel guilty for. Smile Be Happy
Natalie
Bill said it so well that I won't even try to express my feelings, just ditto on all the above.
I cannot even imagine what your young life has been like, nor can I imagine the feelings that go with it.
I do know that you have a spirit and love that won't quit....so no guilt feelings are necessary. You did all you could possibly do but God had other plans. I'm sure that Jeff is upstairs looking down on you & JD and smiling that smirky little smile and saying "Way to go Jamie!!! Rock on!"
jamie...you have every right to be happy right now. i'm sure jeff is looking down on you and smiling because you are happy and you are raising that beautiful little boy of yours to be happy. the getting back to being your "old self" is a huge sign of the healing process...you are continuing to live your life as i'm sure jeff would want you to do.
you have felt, and will continue to feel many different things, and every single one of them is ok. guilty as you may feel that it was jeff who got sick, know that i'm sure he doesn't begrudge the fact that you stayed healthy.
keep on living girl.
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