Heading in the Right Direction

I was going to write about health care reform, but found a blogger that gets paid to do so. This post was written a few days before we knew whether or not the bill would pass. As you probably already know, the bill passed last night, and although it is not perfect, it's a step in the right direction. (Well, it's a step in the right direction if you believe that EVERYONE has a right to affordable health care, the unlucky should not face financial ruin in the case of serious illness, and that medical care should be more effective and less expensive.)

Please read this:

http://www.tnr.com/blog/the-treatment/closing-arguments

Struggling with Guilt

I have been writing and re-writing this post for days. I'm struggling with some feelings, and I'm not sure what's appropriate to share, and what isn't. Because I've gotten tons of e-mails from leukemia-people who read this blog, and those people seem to have been helped by things I've said, I'm going to lean towards sharing more, instead of less. Thank you, by the way, leukemia-people, for letting me know when something I've said has touched a nerve.

My problem is this; I am feeling really well. I'm sleeping well, getting back into shape, taking vitamins, eating well and generally, just feeling like my old self. My old self was very happy, and I am happy again.

Everyday, I wake up and I'm thankful that I don't have to spend my day worrying about Jeff. I have life to look forward to, and although I am still practicing living in the moment, I'm now also able to look forward to a promising future that's not riddled with leukemia. I've come to the realization that regular life is pretty easy, if you let it be. Stress only takes over if you allow it to, and worrying about something does not change its outcome. Some things are bound to just happen the way that they happen, and there's nothing we can do about it.

Obviously, my happiness and ease-of-living come with a price, and that price is guilt. I am here to see JD grow up, and to be happy about it, and Jeff is not. Why did Jeff get sick? Why not me? Again, these questions don't have answers and it's pointless to ask them. I can wish all I want that Jeff never got sick, but it changes nothing. He did get sick. He did deteriorate right in front of my eyes. And, despite a will to live that amazed me, when his body had nothing left, he died.

So, do I have any right to be happy right now? I'm not sure I do. But what I do know, is that I have a beautiful little boy that looks just like his Daddy, and that little boy is happy. He's full of life and energy and joy. I have to believe that Jeff would want me to be happy for JD's sake, so I will continue to laugh, play, and love like there is no tomorrow.

I've Posted This Before, But I Think it's Worth Another Look

Take a chance. Like people first, ask questions later. See if it doesn't open the world to you in a new way. See if the light you shine on others isn't reflected back on you a hundred-fold.

Kent Nerburn from Letters To My Son: A Father's Wisdom on Manhood, Life, and Love