JD

I've been neglectful with my camera this summer, but I'm going to buy some new batteries and turn over a new leaf. This first picture is from May, and the second from July.

On My Mind

Jeff has been on my mind a lot lately, which has caused an especially intense spell of grief. Negativity has been swarming around me like a pack of fruit flies, and I can’t seem to shake it. I just wanted to point out that I’m not always happy or positive or upbeat, and that there are days when I’m furious at the universe for dealing us such a crappy hand. But, as much as I’m stymied by this whole ordeal, I can’t even begin to describe how badly I feel for Jeff and JD.

After Jeff got sick, and he realized that his time here on earth may be short lived, the only thing he worried about was not having the chance to watch JD grow up. I can’t tell you the how painful it was to listen to him try to talk about it. Jeff never got the chance to be the Dad he wanted to be, and now I only get to imagine the joy that I know would be on his face if he had the chance to hear JD say that his “name is Jeff David Eckert.”

Despite the fact that JD has several father-figures in his life, my poor little boy will never know the love that only a father can give his son. What do I do about that? How long will it be before he figures this out? JD already understands about family, and he knows that there should be a Mommy and a Daddy, but I don’t think his 2 year-old brain comprehends what has happened. I’m trying not to give too much significance to Jeff’s absence because I don’t want him to feel more slighted than necessary. If I can concentrate on teaching him to embrace what he has instead of mourning for what he doesn’t have, then maybe, just maybe, I can protect him from some of the pain that comes with losing a father. Of course, for me to teach him that, I have to stop mourning for all that has been lost, which is easier said than done.

I am whining today. I know this, and I guess I need to say that most of the time I’m still okay. I am loving the closeness that I have with JD, and he has many people in his life that love him with a fierceness that is obvious to me when I watch them with him. I know I am very lucky for my family and friends, including some people I’ve met or reconnected with since Jeff’s death. Hopefully, I can continue moving forward, without too many more days of feeling that I’ve come undone.

I’ll have to go back and read some of my blog. Sometimes I think I’m just repeating myself. Oh well, I guess if I need to write things more than once, then that’s what I need to do.

Saturday Morning Musings

I have the urge to write this morning, and it's probably because I just read the introduction to our next book club selection, "October Light," by John Gardner. It's my first book by this author, but the introduction, written by Tom Bissel, has me rather intrigued. BUT, that's not what I'm getting the urge to write about. The book is prefaced by the following passage from a letter, written in 1822 from Thomas Jefferson to John Adams.

To turn to the news of the day, it seems that the cannibals of Europe are going to eat one another again. A war between Russia and Turkey is like the battle of the kite and the snake; whichever destroys the other leaves a destroyer the less for the world. This pugnacious humor of mankind seems to be the law of his nature, one of the obstacles to too great multiplication provided in the mechanism of the Universe. The cocks of the hen yard kill one another; bears, bulls, rams do the same, and when the horse, in his wild state, kills all the young males until he's worn down with age and war, some youth kills him.

I hope we shall prove how much happier for the man the Quaker policy is, and that the life of the feeder is better than that of the fighter: and it is some consolation that the desolation by these maniacs of one part of the earth is the means of improving it in other parts. Let the latter be our office: and let us milk the cow, while the Russian holds her by the horns, and the Turk by the tail.

First, let me say that I am not a history buff, and if Jeff were here, he would be laughing at me, for attempting to write about such a prominent figure from the past. Really, though, all that I want to say is that I've often wondered what makes certain people stand out in historical terms. Is it because they were really great, with progressive ideas that changed the world; or was it because they were in the right place at the right time? Of course, the little history I do remember, reminds me that Thomas Jefferson had all sort of ideas about all sorts of things, but after reading this portion of his letter to John Adams, I just have to say "WOW."

Unfortunately, it seems that his Quaker ideology has not caught on quite like he hoped, and that the laws of nature he speaks of, are just that; AND despite humans thinking themselves the superior species on this planet, humankind as a whole is really no different than the rest of the animal kingdom. However, I still love this passage, and I love the hope that emanates from it.

There, now that I got that out, (I hope you're still reading...lol) I can talk a little bit about JD and me. We are having a great summer. The weather has been fantastic and the sun exceptionally healing. I try to talk to JD a little bit everyday, about Daddy, and we continue to kiss his picture and tell him we love him before bedtime. Unfortunately, I know that JD's memories of Jeff are fading fast. I hope that over the course of his childhood he can glean enough information from me and the rest of our family to be able to feel his Dad's essence. I've said before that Jeff made me a better person, and despite his not having anymore personal contact with Jeff, I want JD to benefit from knowing his father through all of us.

Facebook Post and Other Stuff

My friend Amy (from Team Gleason) posted this quote as her Facebook status, and I am stealing it. My facebook friends have already seen it, because I shared her post on my page. I tear up every time I read it. It's just SO true.

Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are… Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect Tomorrow. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in my pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return." ... - Mary Jean Iron

I haven't posted here for a while, and it's because I'm finding sharing my grief (and my new life) publicly, to be very difficult. However, I miss writing this blog, and I miss hearing from the readers. So, maybe I'll try to make a return to the blogging world.

Anyway, the other day I had a good, although difficult and sad experience while out shopping. After handing my credit card to the clerk, she took a look at me and said, something like, "Can I ask you something...??? Your husband???" And I just shook my head yes. She proceeded to tell me that her husband passed away this year, from cancer, and that she found my blog while he was sick. She said it helped enormously in that she knew that she and her husband weren't the only ones. The grief and pain of a recent loss was obvious on her face, and I managed not to break down. She gave me a hug, another thank you, and I went on my way. I guess I know that I should continue writing here, because there are other grieving people who might benefit from having their feelings "normalized." I have become friends with a two other women whose stories are eerily similar to my own, and I know for a fact that my actions and emotions are real, raw and completely normal.

I'm going to try to work up the nerve to start writing again, about what I'm going through, about how Jeff is still omnipresent in my everyday life, and about my new "normal." In the mean time, take the quote above to heart, and if you're lucky enough to be somewhere in your life, where most days are normal ones, then please, oh please, rejoice in it.

Anybody There?

I know I've been neglecting the blog, but things have been pretty crazy. My house has been sold, and we've moved in next to my Dad. The whole sale, and subsequent move went fast. Really fast. I had a ton of help from my amazing group of family and friends, but moving is still a pain in the rear. I'm pretty much unpacked now, and JD loves having immediate access to Papa, Polly, Danielle, the pond, numerous dogs and several horses, including new a foal, born yesterday morning who has been named Steemer.

I feel like I'm finally home again, and I know that the decision to sell my house was a good one. For the most part, I am happy and content, but I'm sure that you can guess that happiness doesn't mean that the grief is gone. It shows up in predictable moments, but it also hits me completely unexpectedly. My body aches when I think that JD will not know his Daddy personally, and it aches even more when I think about what Jeff is missing. Thirty is just too young to die, but all the wishing, hoping and praying in the world is not going to bring him back.

As I write this, I am really at a loss for words. How can someone be here and well one day, and then sick, very sick for a long time, and then gone? And why can't my subconscious let me dream about him? I've seen glimpses of my mom in dreams over the years, but those dreams are few and far between. I haven't had one about Jeff yet, and I wonder when he'll turn up. Do I need to grieve more or grieve less to see him in a dream? And when I do, will I see healthy Jeff...the Jeff that I miss, or will it be sick Jeff....a Jeff that I loved, but don't miss?

I have a picture on my phone of Jeff's IV pole in the hospital. It's just a pole with a bunch of bags hanging from it, and I took the picture because I couldn't believe how much stuff was being pumped into Jeff's body. I don't know why I don't delete the picture, but when JD and I are looking at the pictures, so he can "see JD," he always points to that picture and says, "Daddy!" It's just a picture of his pole, there is nothing else in the picture. Ugh! How sad is that?

Really, I just needed to get some things out today. I'm okay.

JD

Heading in the Right Direction

I was going to write about health care reform, but found a blogger that gets paid to do so. This post was written a few days before we knew whether or not the bill would pass. As you probably already know, the bill passed last night, and although it is not perfect, it's a step in the right direction. (Well, it's a step in the right direction if you believe that EVERYONE has a right to affordable health care, the unlucky should not face financial ruin in the case of serious illness, and that medical care should be more effective and less expensive.)

Please read this:

http://www.tnr.com/blog/the-treatment/closing-arguments